remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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