when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
sex in a hospital.. check
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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