Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
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look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
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I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
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