Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
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Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
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Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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