When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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