i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
