It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
