My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
