I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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