i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
