Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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