now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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