think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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