I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
