I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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