I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
