That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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