i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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