I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I showed him my bush... on skype.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
