I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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