this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
