i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
