On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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