I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
