I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
