the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
