sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
