I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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