She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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