I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
