chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
