yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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