We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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