Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
