Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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