I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
