if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
