i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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