I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
