Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Omg I joined a choir last night...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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