CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
