I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
