Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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