you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
