I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
