dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
