The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
