i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
