Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
