I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
