i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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