even my farts smell like vagina
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
