got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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