I accidentally burped into my bong.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Randomize
