11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
