Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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