It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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